So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day? No, replies the doctor, take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. They danced until the cafe closed, and the band was packing up. He invited her to sit down. A Garda is driving down OConnell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. My husband passed away last night.". You never wear your seat belt when youre driving. And as the garda is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? Murphy says, There isnt a band playing tonight. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. New man: I have to check, dont I? That's 150 miles from here." His wife asks who it was, and Paddy responds, "It was some eejit asking if the coast was clear." 2. Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?. Oh, he died of a heart attack, says Mrs Murphy. This Irish joke will bring a smile to your face. My girlfriend said, "I'm sick of it. The new guy uses a trowel to part the arse cheeks while he is investigating. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. She replies, "He's over in Rome. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. Black jokes, Mexican jokes, they're all the same.. Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.. Emphasis onsome. Young man, said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. Its. Here are five of the very best Irish jokes that will get the whole bar laughing! I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. . No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is. Shes over the fu*king moon!'. Holy smokes! Said the Foreman. Sick Jokes. I stir it in with my left hand, replied the first lad. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. One of the best Irish jokes follows a flustered Irishman who wasn't able to find a parking space in a large mall's car park. Also my Mam visits this website, and I dont want her disowning me! Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, well be here all night., Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. None He fell. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife. Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. "Oh, that's OK," says the nurse. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement. You were diddled. Potto. Ive some bad news and some terrible news for you.. I will, says the friend. He replies, Im Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!'. Everybody assumes you're a seasoned drinker, border-line alcoholic. Why did the bike fall over? He parks the car and runs over to them. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the presidents office. "What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in. Some are good while some leave a sour taste on the mouth. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. They dont, says the Irishman. An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train. the Irishman. Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. "Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.". The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. Cant just take your word for it. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a month-long quarantine, you probably should've seen a doctor long before COVID-19. How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. New man: I didnt tell you this, but I took a bet with every man on the site Id have your arse on a trowel today! Taking a stupid bet like that. willie right off, I will! he shouts. Youre joking says the patient. New man: Im a gambler. But the labour was so exhausting she falls asleep for 24 hours solid. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. You see, were normally a three-man team. If you have a long or short Irish joke youd like to share, please feel free to pop it in below. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. One old man says to the other, You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language. Ah, get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four, and it didnt do him a bit of good., Mary was a pretty redhead shopping in Dundrum. The man from the window company called Miss OLeary on the telephone. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. If you enjoyed this post please pin the image below to your Pinterest board or share this on social media. Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. Murphy lost his eye in an accident and couldnt afford the price of a glass eye. That means that this is going to be an interesting article about some of the best Irish jokes ever and that is some of the best jokes in the world. What is a redneck virgin? We hope you will find these sick irish puns funny enough to tell and . A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. Haha. He packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. The world has turned upside down. After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, My Grandpa will settle the bill., The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub, The first was from Mexico. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Stop! she says to him. He asks the first fella for his name and address. At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. If you enjoy these, you will love the others here. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. Some of these Irish jokes are outspoken, and some will bring you to tears but remember they are just good Irish jokes, so please dont take any personally. Some of these are plucked from memory (probably the bad ones) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups. We've rounded up 100 St. Patrick's Day funny puns that'll make everyone looking at your Instagram and Facebook pics think, "Irish I would have thought of that caption!" He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros. Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. Here is your money .. Bartender, give me the finest beer in the world, a Heineken., The third was the head of Guinness brewery at St. James Gate in Dublin. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. If people go past, I dont want them to see me drinking.. Leprechauns dont. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. 2. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? He should have been home from work 3 hours ago? The man sighed. What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? I cant stand this. I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. So do not take any personally!! After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? After hearing another Irish joke, Paddy said, "I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks, Parla Italiano? The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. He moves closer about 20 feet. Holocaust Joke. Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. . So Paddy leaves the site. Whether you are looking to impress your Irish friend, or just trying to blend in Dublin, here is our selection of the best Irish jokes for everyday conversations. and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom. From the one with the doctor that has good news for the patient, the news being that he has only 1 day to live, to the one with the three workers planting trees, and calling Mick an ambulance, you . Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips. A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. [quads id=1] A girl came home from a date. LoL! But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. - Kiss Me And I'll Leprecut You - Irish You Wouldn't - Touch Me And Get Shamwrecked sloane (spihkopiyess) (@cottoncandaddy) March 16, 2018 I'm the Mystery Reader for my son's class today. Wishes. Tony, he called. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. 8. They are both legless 3. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Thats an on-the-spot 60 euro fine. Irish puns are so O'ffensive! Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ?. He then takes the last one in and does the same. The next night, Mick went round to Paddys to buy him a drink. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him, is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had, The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a, raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to. -. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a Whats the distance from The Earth to the Moon? The Irishman doesnt say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-euro note and hands it to the lawyer. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife.. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. Im sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. The pedestrians crossed ages ago whens it time for the Catholics?!'. asks the attendant. Pat. He immediately sank and nearly drowned. "No, but it will get that silly smile off your face!" Sin and Politics Ms Murphy. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L Mick, from Dublin, appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros. So the man goes in and orders a pint of Guinness, and a gin and tonic in a cup. BOOOOOOs., A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. The diagnosis Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor. !, Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfastfor a bit of skydiving; lateSundayevening, he was found in a tree by a. farmer, What happened said the farmer; Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said thefarmer if you had asked the localsbefore you jumped, they would havetold you nothing opens here on aSunday. One of the Irishmen tapped his friendon the shoulder. A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France, to see what he could find. Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety-nine! Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine., The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. New category: The Delightful List of Jokes. Please tell me it was quick? May 1, 2018 - Explore Jessica Canale's board "Half Italian half Irish. They all go. Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra? Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? and no kids. Administrator; Rock Elite; Posts: 1531; Thanked: 139 times; Karma: 146; Twilight of Mischief; Sick Irish Jokes Yup a McGinny ", followed by 104 people on Pinterest. I think youll find its perfectly pleasant and does no one any harm. #19 - 10. Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear 2000. Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. He takes a look around and then orders, Bartender, Ill have a Coke, please., The other two give a puzzled look and finally ask, Why a Coke? The brewmaster from Guinness answers, Well, I figured if you lads werent drinking beer yet, I could hold off for a wee bit.. Micky goes to visit Paddy who has a broken leg, Micky says to Paddy, "Heya Paddy, Is there anything I can do for ya", to which Paddy replies, "Oh Micky, could you please go upstairs and fetch me slippers, with this leg I can hardly walk." The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. , Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys.